


the woman who holds the balance is still blind

by asiren (meliorismo)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Depression, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mourning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-16
Updated: 2017-11-16
Packaged: 2019-02-03 03:40:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12740283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meliorismo/pseuds/asiren
Summary: jongin tries to make sense of the last few months of his life.





	the woman who holds the balance is still blind

**Author's Note:**

> originally wrote in 2014, rewritten in 2017. 
> 
> please read the tags, since some of the content in this work can be triggering. stay safe.

**the woman who holds the balance is still blind**

_Words. Words. I play with words, hoping that some combination, even a chance combination, will say what I want._

― Doris Lessing

 

I think that my worst trait is that I'm always bored. I can't remember a single time that I felt the true happiness, the kind that makes _boom_! in your arteries and circulations — then maybe I was never happy at all. My breath was always heavy. Perhaps that is the truth.

I'm sorry already for this story, it's just that I need it to be said, for maybe then I can be done with it. There was this time that I used to dance, and dance, and dance, and then dance a little more, in some small room full of mirrors. At that time, I was deeply in love with another two dancers — they name were Lu Han and Oh Sehun. They both loved me back, and also loved each other, even if it weren't always the same. I learned with time that people loved differently, and that you should never measure one to another.

They both had this kind of habit where they look at you and they just see everything. It was lovely, and terrible, and dangerous, because they saw everything in me, they saw everything in each other, and they still felt love.

I read somewhere else that a life without love is wasted time. Lu Han always thought that bullshit of the highest level, and Sehun didn't really have an opinion on the matter, but I liked the idea. Because, really, love wasn't everything I had? Wasn't it my only reason to go on?

Of all of us, I was the one who really loved dancing. And maybe that's why they all were very surprised when I told them that I had decided, I would never dance again. _It's enough of ballet to me,_ is what I said. _Jazz and everything else, all gone_. Lu Han was so shocked, he wanted to shake some sense into me. Sehun just stood there, looking, looking, looking, before averting his eyes. At that second, I knew that he had found out something about me that I myself hadn't discovered yet.

Things went downhill from there. I understood that I'd danced because I wanted to feel alive, and that I was so depressed, I couldn't master the energy necessary to move. Maybe that it was this one secret that Sehun learned that night. I had found in myself this necessity to give up that ate away all of me. Then, without looking back, I did indeed wash my hands of all that mess. I was too bored, and too sad to care.  

Sehun and Lu Han spoke in small tones, whispering around the house. I always had this impression that Lu Han did most of the talking. During one of those odd, warm days, I found them in their muttering, and Sehun looked at me. Just looked at me.

I just knew.

The very next day, when I woke up, Sehun's clothes were all gone.

I didn't get too worried, and neither did Lu Han. Sehun didn't left a single note, but we all knew about his volatile personality. We thought all kind of reasons to his absence. For the first time since the beginning of that relationship, the only people in the house were I, too depressed and anxious to take a stand, and Lu Han, who was drinking more than ever. He was entirely lost to me, too caught up on ballet presentations, neon cocktails in after parties that I wouldn't ever attend, eating cold food over the sink. I watched him deteriorating in front of me. I know now, all those warning signs. At the time, though, I just stood there.

Sehun left us and never looked back, but Lu Han I had to bury.

After the funeral, I was the only one left. I wasn’t even a human being anymore. Only the shell. The shadow.

Is there something more terrible than being the only one left behind?

I'm not mourning my life — I'm not saying any of this to mourn. I've made peace with my choices. In another lifeline, I could have been happier than this. All I'm saying is that there's a moral at the end of the story, people playing animals and not animals playing people, a crack of patterns. I was told over and over again that a life without love is wasted time, which I believed, because love was all I ever had. But then I gave up on it, because I was too depressed to care, and finally I was left with nothing. Memories of past love mean less than dust, the same way memories of happiness aren't happiness anymore.

My life was a wasted one. I only went up two steps on stairs that keep up until infinity. I was lost in choices that I couldn't bear. Entirely overwhelmed.

When I used to dance, another lifetime ago, I loved two other dancers, and they loved me back, and they also loved each other, all with such devotion, we thought it was forever. But one day these dancers opened their eyes, and they tried to look back and they didn't see a thing, and they tried to look forward and only saw the void. They were, then, so terrified, and so was I, and these three sad, small persons, went on paths that never touched each other again, just trying to go on living with very variable degrees of success.

Sehun and Lu Han never looked back, each one on their own way, and I believe that they never felt regret. I was the one left with the weight of reality to bear.

But, of course, I'm not really mourning anything.


End file.
